Welcome to Friday

I guess if I want you to join me on this blog I should try to come here more often. I understand how busy life can be, but I believe, and starting with me, that we all need to take some time out of our day to spend with others in a place of peace and sharing.

However, I know that life is hard sometimes. I find life hard a lot of times. Being a single parent is difficult for a lot of people. I am definitely blessed in that department. I have been forunate to have a child that has been relatively easy to raise. He is graduating highschool this year and has made me proud by continuing to be a good child, most of the time. He hasn’t done a lot of the things that, frankly most of us parents did as teenagers. I didn’t do a lot of bad things but I was definitely out of the house more than he is, and we didn’t bring friends over that often. My parents didn’t like it very much. Which brings me to another reason that I am such a proud parent. I have already mentioned that I am a single mom, I am from a strong Catholic background and still practice today. However, I was 19 when I got pregnant, which, as you can well imagine did not go over well at all. When I was in my 7th month my son was delivered stillborn. I know that there was some relief for my family when that happened, although I am sure that there was some sadness. A year later my son was born, which REALLY didn’t go well in my family for a very long time. It is still a source of resentments and difficulty in my family, on both sides really. I have a lot of resentment towards my family, that I try to work through daily. I felt abandoned and unloved for the sins that I committed and I felt guilty for the hurt and embarassment that I caused my family. A lot of that stayed very strong in me for a long time, some of it has not healed yet. Therefore I cannot expect my family to be truly over everything that has happened and I do not. Over time, though, things did not really improve whether my personal sensativity or truly hurtful behavior from certain family.

There had to come a time, however when the active hurting of one another had to stop. I know my part and so I decided that the best way to stop the things that were happening was to walk away. In no way does this mean that I stopped loving my family, but they are living their own truth and it doesn’t match mine, and the best way to honor them is to not engage in the treatment that we were all a part of, myself included. It is not an easy thing to walk away from one’s family. It is extremely painful and the wounds don’t heal over time, they are sometimes worse than in the moment that the decision to walk is made.

Within the last couple of years I have lost two uncles. I have friends who I have walked with through the pain of losing their mothers or fathers, and even their children and I feel guilt. I know that each of these friends would move heaven and earth for one second, one hug, one more moment with their loved ones and I have made the choice to walk away from mine. I fear the emotional explosion that I am sure will come when I lose a parent to death. Unfortunately I feel as though I have already lost them in so many ways. My heart has already broken so many times over that I can’t seem to heal with my family or they within themselves. I watch other families that build eachother up, I pray that I have been that for my son, even though he has had to live within the chaos of his families. Every holiday that comes and goes without contact from my family hurts deeply. To have a child that has still remained loving, happy, and loving to me as he has had to face this is truly a testament to the soul within that child.

With ALL of that said, I don’t think that we can allow situations like this to run our lives. We have to believe that we can and should be happy about the blessings and good things we do have in our lives. With trials comes understanding and a better appreciation for things that do come from the bad. This may sound crazy, and I am 39 years old now, but in the last couple of years I have actually made some real girlfriends. Women that I don’t try to be anyone other than myself. I have one girlfriend who is much older…slightly older…barely noticably older than I am who has, in a lot of ways mothered me through a lot of my adulthood. Our friendship started slow, and got to a fairly strong point. One day, however, we crossed a huge bridge of conflict. Something very strange happened to me, we fought, and worked together, and fought, and then her mother passed away around the time that we were just starting to quietly speak to one another. Death does something inside of a person that screams to me to push aside myself when faced with someone else’s pain. Along with that, the mother of this friend was a dear friend, a beautiful woman and a joy to spend time with. My son adored her, and for all those reasons we wanted her and her daughter to know, that nomatter what was between us, this woman’s life needed to be celebrated and remembered. She deserved to know that people loved her and were there to help her reunite with her husband and say good bye to her family. The strange thing that happened to me, is that where I was in such conflict with this friend, and I had never before overcome conflict with another woman in my life, I did. When I realized that it had happened and that the hurt and hurting had stopped and I TRUSTED it, I was almost knocked off my feet! I didn’t even think something like that was possible. I credit the heart of that mother and the true nature of what friendship and love really is to this happening. When that happened, I, unknowingly, began to trust that I might be able to have other friendships that I trusted that completely with other women. Again, sounds strange, because there are all those cards and plaques and poems and girlfriends days, that sing the praises of having girlfriends, the importance of having girlfriends and to be honest I thought it was a bunch of BS!

As I sit here today, I can honestly say that I get it.I may not be the best at being girlie with my friends like some, but I honor and love dearly the friends that I have. I know that I have one of these true friends in one lady that I have known since I was 13, but that is all and we don’t see eachother as we should, but I know that she cares and I know that she knows I care. That is a great feeling to have.

So as I close today, I wish all girlfriends a happy night, and a great life. Thank you, my friend, you know who you are, for showing me the power of real friendship. I love you.

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About lookingtoreachtheworld

I am a 38 year old single mom, who has spent the last 18 years raising the most amazing son, but am finding myself a little lost in what my next stage in life is, so I hope to reach other women like myself, but also to speak to the world about hope love and our responsibility to be a difference in the world, which doesn't necessarily mean on a big stage, there are many little stages that need to be played on.
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