Welcome to my blog, I think that sharing our lives can have great results, but then again can have just as equally opposite results. I welcome all comments, because in life we all have to deal with the good and the bad.
I look forward to your feedback and maybe a friendly banter on your opinion of my words. We can’t learn unless we grow and sometimes others can see what we cannot about ourselves, so please, within the lines of respectful communication agree or disagree with me.
To start with, I will share a little about who I am and how I came to be here writing to you. I am 38 years old, and I am holding fast to the number because in mere days I will have outgrown it and face the fact that I am going to be the age that, in my mind, my mother is frozen at. That is a strange feeling, getting old. When I look at myself there are days when I ask, “Are you sure you are only 38??? Well I guess you MUST be using enough moisture lotion!” Of course the person inside doesn’t feel a lot older than 21. I imagine we all feel this way inside.
I have been a single mom for pretty much 18 years, and although the pocket book has been tight at times, I wouldn’t trade the relationship that I have built with my son for anything. I was raised to be a “good little Catholic girl”, which I was, most of the time, however I became pregnant at 19. Now, I know what you are thinking, “pregnant at 19? Such a good little Catholic girl”. I know, not my finest hour. Needless to say it didn’t go over very well in my childhood home. A lot of chaos ensued, believe me. Relationships were irrevocably distroyed and changed. A very difficult 7 months followed which resulted in my burying my first child. A perfect little boy, so small and so precious. A time in my life where I understood what wanting to die means. To my mother’s relief a way to sweep this most embarrassing time in our family firmly under the rug. Unfortunately for her, I didn’t heal very well mentally and felt that having a baby was the only thing that I needed. So, about a year later, my beautiful, sweet, perfect, tiny baby boy came silently into this world. After suffering a stillborn birth a year prior, having him come into this world so quietly was scary. Shortly after his delivery, he made a noise that was not a cry, more a mew of a sound, but it could have been all the bells of all the cathedrals trilling in time around the world. No more beautiful a sound had I heard until that moment, and no more since then. The sound barrier broke in that moment and I knew that God was telling me that He had given me this gift. My only response was a continuous message back to this amazing God of mine; “Thank you God, thank you God…” over and over. Once they hooked him up to all the tubes that were helping him to breathe, they wheeled over my son, my 3lb two month early son, to my head where he instantly grabbed my finger and stared me straight in the eye. There were many people in those first days that believed my son would be going to the Lord, but after that moment I knew that God was showing Himself to me in that stare. “Trust in My gift to you Danielle, for I have given him to you, and you will find abounding joy in this child.” That is what was given to me in those seconds of my son staring me down. Of course he could have been saying, “Careful what you wish for, this is gonna be a bumpy ride”. However, we always see what we want to see don’t we? I do believe that I was handed this child right from God’s hand in that moment, and I believe that still to be the truth. I have been a single mom since he was 3 months old, in the physical sense, but from that moment in time, where the world actually froze, I have been a single mom because nothing else matter to me but being his mom. This would be the start of a journey that made me lose friends and some family because of that last statement, but there isn’t a lot that I could change about that because it might have cost me the relationship that I have with my son today.
I metioned in the last paragraph that I was raised to be a “good little Cathlolic” girl and that didn’t always work out according to the measuring tape my parents held for that title. I would never claim that I was perfect. I have had to confess my sins and make amends in life, that’s for sure. However, I still believe my creed and I still try to be a good person. I would like to say that I attend Mass faithfully, but the last couple of years have been hard on the parishes that I live in and attending Mass has seemed rather difficult. I will delve into that more a little later on. What I wish to point out here is that I am still a Catholic, whether I am experiencing a dark night of the soul or not, so I am not here to have anyone come at me bashing my faith. Does that Catholic church need some serious work? You bettcha! I am the first to stand up and say that the Church needs to be healed and needs to make a lot of tough decisions about a lot of people in it. I am also the first to stand up and say, beyond those things, in the quiet of my soul, pushing aside the things that I think the Church has wrong, I am a Catholic. I believe in God the almighty, creator of heavan and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ His only son who was conceived of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, died and was buried. On the third day He rose from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins and life everlasting. I believe those things, even if I believe that we, as Catholics, have a lot of work ahead of ourselves in order to, truly, be doing the requests of our Father in heaven. I believe that we all have to follow our soul song and that leads some of us to Catholicism, but it also leads others to other faiths. What reaches one soul, will not reach another. You must listen to your soul song, because that, I believe, is our Creator speaking to us.
As this blog grows and you add your comments to me, I hope that we can share and grow together. Please remember that we are all here together and we all have the right to be heard, loved and happy.
Bring peace to your life, from within yourself and you will find that others will grow in peace towards you and themselves. Reach out to the world with positive light.